Independent · Unsponsored · Unwell

Dylan Johnson told you to run Race King 2.2s. But what should you really run?

We fly to your race. We pre-ride your course. We Chung test until the sun goes down. Then we mail you a tire and never speak of it again.

Book a consultant → See the testing method

412

Courses surveyed

1,983

Tires destroyed

Rental cars returned dirty

Races won by us

The method

We don't guess.
We Chung.

Virtual elevation testing on your actual course. Same lap, same rider, same power, different rubber. When the trace closes back on itself, we know your rolling resistance. When it doesn't, we ride it again. And again. The consultant will not stop. The consultant has nowhere to be.

Run 14 · Flint Hills · 6.2 km closed loop Rider mass 78.4 kg CdA 0.298 Surface chunk, loose over hard

Pathfinder Pro 42 Closes

Race King 2.2 Drift +38 m

Getaway 40 Drift −24 m

Whatever you own Unusable

Race roster · 14 courses on file

We have already
been to your race.

Every course below has been ridden by a consultant who was not entered, was not expected, and was not, in the end, thanked. The surface notes are current. The booking windows are not. If your race is not on the list we will still come — we will simply be learning in public.

RaceLocationSurface intelStatus
Unbound 200

Emporia, KS

flint. it is all flint. we lost a consultant here.

Status: Waitlist
The Mid South

Stillwater, OK

red clay. dry it is a road, wet it is a decision. you will not finish on the tire you started on.

Status: Now booking
Dust Bowl 100

Eminence, IN

the dust bowl was in oklahoma. this race is in indiana. our consultant found that out at the airport.

Status: Now booking
Barry‑Roubaix

Hastings, MI

april in michigan: sand, two-track, and a live possibility of snow. we advise a coat.

Status: Now booking
Gravel Locos

Hico, TX

seventy miles northwest of waco. the entry funds the volunteer fire department. draw your own conclusions.

Status: Now booking
SBT GRVL

Steamboat Springs, CO

they call it champagne gravel. it is smooth. there is nothing for us to do here. we will still come.

Status: Waitlist
Crusher in the Tushar

Beaver, UT

10,500 feet of climbing, finishing at a ski resort. no tire fixes this. we tested for eleven hours anyway.

Status: Now booking
Oregon Trail Gravel Grinder

Cascade Range, OR

five days, and the camp moves every night. our consultant is good at this and it has become a personality.

Status: Now booking
The Traka 360

Girona, Spain

360 km. the front group is nine road pros on holiday. bring food. then bring more food.

Status: Waitlist
Badlands

Granada, Spain

two deserts, unsupported, pico veleta at the end. sidewalls, not tread. that is the whole conversation.

Status: Now booking
The Rift

Hvolsvöllur, Iceland

the river crossing is real. bring a second consultant.

Status: Waitlist
Migration Gravel Race

Maasai Mara, Kenya

four stages of cattle track. the kenyan team will ride away from you. that is not a tire problem.

Status: Now booking
Gravel Burn

Knysna, South Africa

seven days, the karoo, finishing at a big-five game reserve. we hold no data on lions. we are collecting some.

Status: Now booking
Great Divide Mountain Bike Race

Banff, AB → Antelope Wells, NM

2,745 self-supported miles. this is not a gravel race and we are not qualified. we would still like to come.

Status: Out of depth

Race names are real. Everything to the right of them is not. We are not affiliated with, endorsed by, sponsored by, or in any way known to a single event on this list.

Sample deliverable · 2 specimens

Here is the report
you are actually buying.

Every tier ends in a document. Twenty-six pages for Emporia, thirty-one for Girona, and in each one a single line we have taken back out. Both specimens below are reproduced in full apart from §4.1. §4.1 is the tire.

Report GTTC‑0447‑UB Rev. C · 26 pp.

Unbound 200

Specimen

Emporia, KS · 200 mi · Waitlist

Prepared for: file 0447 — name withheld at client request

§1.0 Course surface

flint. it is all flint. we lost a consultant here. forty-one sectors were surveyed on foot, nine were surveyed twice, and two were recorded from the vehicle for the reasons given in appendix b.

§2.0 Casing and construction

Casing surveyed60 / 120 tpi
BeadFolding
SidewallReinforced
InsertNot fitted

§3.0 Sealant volume

90 ml front, 90 ml rear, topped with a further 15 ml at the start line. the further 15 ml does nothing. it is not for the tire.

§4.1 Recommended casing

Redacted: you selected the black bar. that is the free tier.

Available in the full report

§5.0 Pressure by rider weight

Rider	Front psi	Rear psi
59–68 kg	22.41	23.86
68–77 kg	23.74	25.19
77–86 kg	25.08	26.53
86 kg +	26.42	27.87

Recorded to a hundredth of a psi on a gauge that resolves to one. Retained at that precision throughout the document.

§6.0 Spare strategy

two tubes, one of which will not fit. one plug kit. one boot. one twenty-five minute conversation at mile 143 with a stranger who is carrying two tubes, one of which will not fit.

Page 1 of 26 · specimen · every figure invented

Report GTTC‑0512‑TK Rev. A · 31 pp.

The Traka 360

Specimen

Girona, Spain · 360 km · Waitlist

Prepared for: file 0512 — name withheld at client request

§1.0 Course surface

360 km. the front group is nine road pros on holiday. bring food. then bring more food. the surface itself is excellent throughout and is not going to be the part of this that ends you.

§2.0 Casing and construction

Casing surveyed120 / 127 tpi
BeadFolding
SidewallSupple
InsertRear only

§3.0 Sealant volume

100 ml front, 100 ml rear. a top-up at 240 km is advisable and will be carried out by nobody, because at 240 km it is dark, you are alone, and the decisions have all been made.

§4.1 Recommended casing

Redacted: still not a tire. the tire is on page 20 and you are not.

Available in the full report

§5.0 Pressure by rider weight

Rider	Front psi	Rear psi
59–68 kg	24.13	25.60
68–77 kg	25.47	26.94
77–86 kg	26.80	28.27
86 kg +	28.14	29.61

Brackets are narrower than any gauge sold to the public can resolve. The limitation is acknowledged at length in appendix d.

§6.0 Spare strategy

one tube. one plug kit. one bar bag of food. a second bar bag of food. at 360 km the food is the spare strategy. a nutrition addendum runs from page 22 to page 31. it is outside the scope of a tire report. it is attached anyway.

Page 1 of 31 · specimen · every figure invented

§4.1 ships unredacted with Conti Race King ($4,000) and Pathfinder Pro ($2,000). Both of these courses are on waitlist, so at present it ships to nobody.

All three tiers →

Specimen reports. The two races are real; these documents are not. Every number, sector count, section number, and page count above was invented for this website. Nothing here is a tire recommendation, and §4.1 does not contain one either.

Service tiers

Three ways to stop
reading race reports.

Every tier ends the same way: someone tells you what to run, with conviction, and you stop thinking about it. That is the product. The testing is how we arrive at the conviction.

On site · We fly · We choose

$4,000

Per race

Conti Race King

The full deployment. A human being goes to where your race is.

A consultant is flown to your race location
Surface survey, sector by sector, plus goathead census
Chung testing across a curated selection of tires
A fresh pair mailed to your door before race week

Consultant will not stay for the race. Consultant will not spectate. Consultant has their own races and is, frankly, in better form than you.

On site · We fly · You choose

$2,000

Per race

Pathfinder Pro

You have already narrowed it to two. We settle it on the ground.

Send us your race — we send someone to it
Head-to-head testing of the two tires you selected
Same loop, same power, same afternoon light
A verdict, in writing, with the traces attached

If both of your picks are wrong we will tell you, gently, in a PDF. We will not test a third tire. That is a different tier and you know it.

Remote · We read · We ask around

$500

Per race

Challenge Getaway

No flights. Just an unreasonable amount of desk research.

Send your race details — we investigate remotely
Full sweep of every race report, blog, and forum thread
Backchannel intel: what Keegan and Dylan actually ran, by year
One recommendation. Not a list. A recommendation.

You think you have read enough race reports. You have not. The backchannel is a group chat. We are in it. That is the service.

$250

Per chain

Add-on · Any tier

Chain waxing

Consultant will prepare a fresh chain for your racing steed, meticulously massaging the wax into each link.

Hot wax Immersion A dedicated crock pot that has never seen food

Consultant supplies the wax. Consultant does not supply the chain. Consultant will ask what chain it is and will react.

Your chain will be quieter
than your training partner

I ran a 2.2 at Unbound and my hands still have giardia. — Drew Dillman, probably · Bonk Bros · invented for this website

When you dial in sleep, nutrition, and training then you can consider this service. — Scott McGill, probably · Bonk Bros · invented for this website

Discreet billing

We’ll put anything on the
credit card statement.

You are about to spend four figures on tire advice. How that reads on your end is a formatting question. Pick a descriptor at checkout and the charge posts under it. We have never been asked what the charge was, because nobody has ever asked.

Statement preview One charge · your descriptor

Home Depot #4412 $4,000.00
Midwest Dental Assoc $4,000.00
HVAC Service Call $4,000.00
Youth Sports Reg $4,000.00
Veterinary Services $4,000.00
Auto Parts & Labor $4,000.00

The last one is arguably accurate.

Frequently raised objections

You have questions.
We have answers.

Do you actually fly out?

Yes. Coach, middle seat, bike bag checked. You are paying for the tires and the opinion, not the seat.

What if I want to run inserts?

We do not discuss inserts.

Can you really tell me what Keegan ran?

We can tell you what Keegan ran. We cannot tell you why, and we cannot tell you where we heard it. Do not ask us at the start line.

Will this make me faster?

Marginally. That is the entire sport. If you wanted a large improvement you would have hired a coach instead, and you did not, and we both know why.

Is $4,000 a lot for tire advice?

You own four wheelsets.

What does this look like on my statement?

Whatever you tell it to look like. You set the descriptor at checkout and the charge posts under it. The invoice is still itemized, still accurate, and still says the word tires several times.

Do you offer refunds?

Not once the tire is mounted. Sealant is a one-way door and so is this relationship.

Dylan Johnson told you to run Race King 2.2s. But what should you really run?

We don't guess.We Chung.

We have alreadybeen to your race.

Here is the reportyou are actually buying.

Unbound 200

§1.0 Course surface

§2.0 Casing and construction

§3.0 Sealant volume

§4.1 Recommended casing

§5.0 Pressure by rider weight

§6.0 Spare strategy

The Traka 360

§1.0 Course surface

§2.0 Casing and construction

§3.0 Sealant volume

§4.1 Recommended casing

§5.0 Pressure by rider weight

§6.0 Spare strategy

Three ways to stopreading race reports.

Conti Race King

Pathfinder Pro

Challenge Getaway

Chain waxing

We’ll put anything on thecredit card statement.

You have questions.We have answers.

We don't guess.
We Chung.

We have already
been to your race.

Here is the report
you are actually buying.

Three ways to stop
reading race reports.

We’ll put anything on the
credit card statement.

You have questions.
We have answers.